Rereading Frost
Sometimes I think all the best poems
have been written already,
and no one has time to read them,
so why try to write more?
At other times though,
I remember how one flower
in a meadow already full of flowers
somehow adds to the general fireworks effect
as you get to the top of a hill
in Colorado, say, in high summer
and just look down at all that brimming color.
I also try to convince myself
that the smallest note of the smallest
instrument in the band,
the triangle for instance,
is important to the conductor
who stands there, pointing his finger
in the direction of the percussions,
demanding that one silvery ping.
And I decide not to stop trying,
at least not for a while, though in truth
I'd rather just sit here reading
how someone else has been acquainted
with the night already, and perfectly.
This was the poem on Garrison Keillor's Writer's Almanac. It struck a few chords with me. Take the opening stanza, for starters: "Sometimes I think all the best poems/have been written already/[...] so why try to write more?" I feel like this sometimes, like everything good that can be written already has been, so why bother? I look at my writing, which I know is mediocre at best, and I think well, I won't be the next e e cummings or Charlotte Bronte, or whathaveyou. Every time I am actually able to spit something out on paper (or on this blog) I fight a rather intense battle with my perfectionist tendencies. I want everything I write to come out just right. Only it usually doesn't. I look at the things I write and I know they could be better...but I have a hard time making them so. I know they're lacking, and I can even pinpoint where sometimes, but I don't know quite how to fix them. And then I get frustrated with myself and I stop. And give up.
And then I have moments like the one Linda Pastan shares in the rest of her poem, when I realize that I have things to say, things to write about, and ways to say them that nobody else can. I see things with eyes that are different than everyone elses. Who cares if my writing isn't perfect? As long as I can spit out what I have to share, that's all that should matter. I can be that "one flower/in a meadow already full of flowers/ [that] somehow adds to the general fireworks effect/as you get to the top of a hill." I just may be "the smallest note of the smallest instrument in the band" but that doesn't mean that I'm not "important to the conductor." These are the times when "I [too] decide not to stop trying," when I decide that I'm going to continue that childhood dream of mine to someday be a published writer.
But this is not easy. What is easy is comparing myself to the millions of other writers out there. Fabulous writers. I know I shouldn't compare, but "in truth/I'd rather just sit here reading/how someone else has been acquainted/with the night already, and perfectly." Working to develop a talent is difficult. It's a lot of finding time you don't have to buckle down and work on it. It's a lot of facing up to criticisms and trying to improve things. I have many moments when all I want to do is sit back and be a great Appreciator of other's creations rather than a great Creator of my own little productions.
So anyway, all this to say that I think I'm going to "not [...] stop trying,/at least not for a little while." And maybe, if I'm brave enough, you will see some of the effects of this on this blog...perhaps a short story now and again, an essay here and there, or maybe a poem or two. After all, my childhood dream was to one day be a published writer, and this blog is about as published as I'm going to get any time soon.
2 comments:
I'm not sure if you are above all this type of stuff as a writer, but there are some really great sites I've found to submit essays/stories to for publication.
Try this one: http://www.duotrope.com/index.aspx
It's an searchable index of publications that are submission based and some even pay for inclusion. It's a pretty good ego-boost if you are feeling down. Most of them I never even hear back from but just submitting stuff makes me feel pretty neat.
I like this post. I definitely have the perfectionist problem and spend over an hour on most of my posts before putting them up. But luckily with blogging people WANT to hear your point of view otherwise they wouldn't be reading it. Keep it up! You'll reach your goal of being published if it's what you truly want!
Thanks, Sarah, for the website link. It looks very helpful (because, no, I'm so not above that sort of thing as a writer). And thanks for the encouragement!
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