thoughts on a second pregnancy

I've been thinking a lot lately about the Lord's timing and allowing myself to trust in it and, ultimately, in Him, especially in regards to this second pregnancy, and I have learned a few things -- dear and sacred things -- that I'd like to share with you today.

Before I was pregnant with Garrett, I was baby hungry -- almost certifiably so. I wanted to be there, where so many of my friends were finding themselves. I wanted to be a mother. I wanted a baby to cuddle and care for, a companion I could watch grow up. Throughout my pregnancy with him, I marveled at my responsibility to host within me my growing boy, which certainly made it easier to bear the discomforts of my ever-changing body. When he was born, I was amazed at what we had created, and I was eager to begin my job as his mama.

As the weeks and months passed, however, I realized that I was not especially eager to ever repeat this process. Sure, I wanted more children, eventually, but the thought of surviving another pregnancy, another childbirth, another round of dark and difficult newborn days did not appeal to me like they did before. As Garrett grew older and the time came to start thinking about giving him a sibling, I'd push the thought to the back of my mind, telling myself that there was still plenty of time, I'd think about it later -- when I was baby hungry again.

In November the desire to be pregnant again was about as far away from my heart as it ever had been, but by Thanksgiving, something else was pricking at my brain, and how heartily it consumed me took me by surprise. Blake and I talked and I discovered that he was of the same mind: Someone, we knew, was anxiously waiting to join our family.

Neither of us could deny this feeling, this prompting. It was too strong and too persistent. Whether I was baby hungry or not, action had to be taken. By the turn of the new year, the pregnancy test read positive.

"Trust in the Lord with all thy heart and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." (Proverbs 3:5-6)

Never before in my life have I understood this scripture as profoundly as I do now. Upon acknowledging the notion that some precious spirit needed to be with our family, and needed to come now, I put my thoughts and actions into the Lord's hands, and He took care of everything.

I am no more baby hungry than I was a few months ago, at least not in the same way I was before Garrett. But I am marveling at my responsibility to host this precious, growing child, and I am more and more finding myself just as anxious to meet him or her as he or she was to come to me. I am grateful for the guidance and direction of the Lord, into whose arms I have placed myself. I can't do this a second time by myself, but happily, I don't have to.